"First off, I want to welcome the listeners who decided to tune in for our Wednesday night game of the week between the Brooklyn Neophytes and the Hannibal Hammers, being played in the always lovely yet completed desolate Badger Field, complete with it's very own badge swaying on the flagpole. As I mentioned earlier in the broadcast, the Neophytes are staggering along through a super-ugly twelve game losing streak, and so far, this game is shaping up to be their baker's dozen in a row. Neophyte pitcher Billy Bellingham has just finished his warm ups, so I turn it over to my erstwhile colleague Hank Coulter. Hank?"
"Thanks Nick. It seems like Billy is gonna be the sacrificial goat tonight, with his team trailing the visiting Hammers fifteen zip. For the top of third, he'll be facing the Hammer's eight through one, and boy let me tell you, they got some serious bruisers. Let's hope he can find that old black magic that has so far eluded him during this record losing streak, and in fact, has been the key contributing factor the Neophytes lack of positive reinforcement. What say you Nick?"
"I say that there's a conspiracy, or at the very least, a collusion amongst the league that has so far gotten Billy acting like a little league pitcher."
"Right you are Nick, right you are. Anyways, Billy looks in, shakes off the catcher a couple of times, finally gets one he likes, gets set and here's the windup and the pitch. Oh Good Lord, he's just uncorked a lollipop to the backstop!"
'Time!' says Markie as he slowly walks the ball back to Billy. Billy steps off the mound to meet him and holds out his glove. Markie drops the ball and says, "Problem focusing?'
'Ya think?'
'You know, no one is going to do what you want them to do. They're on to your little façade, and there's no way in hell that they're gonna put anymore players on the d.l. So please, man up, cowboy up, suck it up, get down on your knees and blow that baseball, whatever it is you need to do to snap out of this funk, 'cause you know this is it. They ain't gonan save yor sorry ass tonight unless do something. Got it?'
'Fuck you,' says Billy as he returns to the mound.
Markie shakes his head and slowly trudges back to the plate. Squatting, he throws a handful of dirt in the air, pounds his glove and sighs.
"So Nick, think that little chat Markie had with Billy will work?"
"I don't think so Hank. Anyways, Billy looks in, nods, and arrives at the set position. He seems to be taking an awfully long time to throw the ball, and I think, yes...he steps off the rubber. He's grabbed the resin bag, shakes it thoroughly, and throws it to the ground. Now he's stepping back on the rubber, gets to the set position, and here's the pitch. No, wait! The batter steps out of the box and calls time, and the umpire calls "no pitch!" Oh bad luck for Billy, as he finally got a pitch over the plate and it gets waved off."
"What a shame indeed, Nick! It looks like old Billy goat is absolutely livid. Maybe, just maybe, this was the catalyst need to jumpstart his game. Looks like the catcher is calling time again. He starts his slow walk towards the mound, but wait, it looks like he's detouring towards the dugout."
'Boss?'
'What's up with Billy?'
'Off hand, I say he's about to go apeshit.'
'Are you sure?'
'Am I sure? About as sure as your fantasy of porking the owner's trophy wife not coming true.'
'Hey, watch your mouth!'
Markie walks over to the newbie and pokes him hard in the chest with his mask. The newbie crumples to the ground, spits up a geyser of blood and passes out. Satisfied, Markie takes his leave and waits for the inevitable.
"Hank, it looks like Billy is down with his tantrum."
"Right you are, Nick. Billy steps on the rubber, here's the windup and the pitch...Oh My God!!! Did you see that Nick? Nick? Where are you Nick? Holy cow ships, Nick, what is that horrendous smell in the booth?! And what is that brown stuff oozing down your shirt. Oh My God Nick! Look on the field! It's...it's...a geyser of...MANWHICHES!!!! I think I'm gonna...."
As the sound of breaking glass, a stomach leaving someone's body and horrific screams overloads the airwaves, an authoritative voice briefly interrupts the din., "We'll return you to the game as soon as order is restored, or when enough body parts are found to create a few good players, whichever comes first. In the meantime, here's a sneak peek at our upcoming special, 'The Best Screams From The Best Low Budget Horror Movies: The Eighties' Enjoy!"
If you find this story interesting, please give some thought to checking out my short story trilogy Broken Promises, available at Smashwords.
(c) by G.B. Miller. All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Audio Dynamyte!
She was a voluptuous thirty-one year old redhead, full of fire and brimstone, and was wowing them on the adult lecture circuit. No matter where she spoke, she always drew a packed house.
Tonight was no exception, as The Cat's Meow was filled to capacity. A crowd of fresh faced collegians, tired businessmen and blue collar workers, were chomping at the bits waiting for her to preach.
At precisely nine o'clock, the lights dimmed and the stage went completely black. A small spotlight comes on and slowly illuminates the center stage, gradually revealing a solitary figure.
A solitary figure that was dressed in very tight blue jeans, sneakers, and a form fitting light blue tee-shirt that bare contained her natural assets. Next to her on a stool was a c.d. player, which after a push of a button, flavors the atmosphere with a smooth jazz instrumental.
Stepping back into the darkness, she soon reappears wearing a wireless headset. She then unties her pony tail and rearranges her cherry red hair so it falls over both sides of her body.
Clearing her throat, she then lowers the volume on the c.d. player before beginning her 'lecture'. "Good evening everyone. I can see that I have a packed house tonight. Rest assure gentlemen, you will not be disappointed.
"As you can see, I have been blessed with a fantastic body. Long legs," which she points at, "a round yet firm ass," which she drops her jeans to show, "a sensual mouth," in which she places her index finger in and ever so slowly pulls it out, "and a great set of tits," in which she briefly tweaked the nipples for emphasis.
"I realized that some time ago that since I was blessed by God with such a fantastic body, that I should share it with the rest of the world. One way I've been able to do that, is to make adult movies. As you can see from the posters behind me," and the stage lights came up, focusing on a baker's dozen of adult movie posters, "I was very successful in using my body to raise awareness for God.
"Another way for me to spread the word of God, was to give live performances. How to go about doing it was the hard part. There were many, many ways for me to do it, but in the end, I settled on the way you're about to see tonight. So without further ado, the Cat's Meow is proud to present to you for your viewing pleasure, Audio Dynamyte."
She stopped her audio and stepped over to the c.d. player. Quickly changing c.d.'s, she restarted the player and stepped back to center stage. As the sound of seventies soul drifted out of the player, she started swaying sensuously to the beat. After about a minute, she undid the top button to her jeans and rolled the waistband down an inch.
"Gentlemen, as you can plainly see, I have no tan lines where it counts. And I don't think I have to explain to you how I tan, now do I?" She then turned around and showed just a brief hint of ass, before facing the audience again.
"And you can see that although my ass is very firm, it is very supple. It has been caressed by some of the hottest hunks and foxiest babes in the industry today. They can all tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God did bless me with the finest piece of booty this side of the Mississippi."
She then took her jeans and dropped them until they were under the cheek, yet still kept the front in the same position. "Woo, that's cold," she said after a blast of cool air from a backstage fan touched her backside.
"Gentlemen, this particular piece of booty, is the best that you'll ever see in your lifetime. When God created my booty, he broke the mold afterwards." She then turned her supple ass towards the audience and began to lightly run a finger over it.
"I'm going to do a demonstration and show to you just how massaging an excellent piece of ass is one of the many components...to...a...woman's...happiness." She stuttered the last four words as a small, but very intense, hot flash hit her.
"Wow, I do believe I'm getting a bit overheated," she said while fanning herself for a few seconds. A light murmuring from the audience brought a smile to her face, which helped refocus her energies again.
"Well...this is the time in our program where I do a very brief show and tell. I show you a small positive sign that the gentle massaging/feathering is doing it's job and tell you about it." At this point, she unzipped her jeans and opened the waistband.
A stronger murmur from the audience told her that she was back on track. "Gentlemen, the glistening pussy that you see in front of you, is the absolute best that God created. It has satisfied many a cock and many a pussy in its illustrious career, and more importantly, has been satisfied by many a cock, many a pussy and lips of both genders in its illustrious career.
"At this point, in order to keep that pussy glistening," and she paused to roll her tee-shirt up to the bottom of her tits, "you have to move your foreplay from playing with that soft delicate ass of your lady, to your lady's silky smooth stomach, abdomen, and of course, her scrumptious pussy."
She stopped what she was doing with her ass, and pulled up her jeans. She then disappeared into the darkness. The first thing the audience noticed was that the music changed back to soft jazz. The second thing they noticed, was a doctor's couch was being wheeled to the center stage. And finally, the last thing they noticed was that a pitcher of water was placed next to the couch.
She got herself situated on the couch, and readjusted her clothing to what it was before she left. Nodding her head, the spotlight tightened up. "Gentlemen, as you can see, it's important to bring your foreplay to the next level. Feather touching your ladies stomach and abdomen will go a long way to helping your lady build to what should be a mind blowing orgasm.
"Also, don't forget to work on that essential piece of property she owns. A little TLC, like I'm about to give you an example of, will help you achieve your ultimate goal." She proceeded to take her jeans completely off, leaving her sneakers and above the knee socks on.
"Brrr, I'm feeling a little cold up here right now. I think I better start warming up." she said suggestively. Using two fingers on her right, she playfully teased a few strands of hair, while spreading the remainder with her left.
"As you can see, with just the tiniest bit of movement, you can quickly bring your lady to that next plateau of...of...fore...play." The last few words were stuttered as the mini-orgasm that she had only started on about thirty seconds ago, nailed her good.
She sat straight up for a few seconds as a large wave of pleasure rook hold of her body, before slamming her back to the couch. Gripping the top of the couch, she white knuckled her grip as a series of small, but very intense, orgasms racked her body.
The orgasmic convulsions soon subsided and she released her grip. Exhaling, she waited for the audience to collectively finish what she'd started them off on only a few minutes ago.
While waiting for that collective "Ahhhh.....yes", she rolled up her tee-shirt the rest of the way and began to feather touch the bottom of her right tit. Almost instantly, she arched her back and began to moan softly. The audience finished catching up and soon became spellbound watching the performance.
From the darkness, someone whistled just loud enough to break her concentration. With a supreme effort, she stopped what she was doing and folded her hands in prayer. After about a minute or so, she regained enough composure to speak without losing it.
"Well....we now move on to the third part of the body that us women use as a weapon, the tits. Now it just so happens that God, in addition to blessing me with a tight ass and a even tighter pussy, has truly blessed me with a perfect set of 42D's for tits.
"To properly incorporate the tits with what you're doing at the moment, they have to be handled sensibly. Which means, to get the maximum amount of usage, the nipples simply have to be erect. The nipples are the most sensitive part of the tit, and as such, they need delicate care. Normally, the mouth would do the trick in getting them erect. The suction power that the mouth..." She paused for a moment as a sweet memory flashed across the face.
The club owner, who was watching from backstage, came out and poured a glass of water for her before delivering a loud wolf whistle. She cleared her throat again, and continued, "Yes, well...since we don't have a mouth..." Before she could go any further, she was interrupted by a wave of men volunteering their services. She smiled and waved her hands to calm the crowd down.
"My isn't this an excitable crowd tonight," she said cheerfully. Taking the glass of water, she took a couple of sips before sticking her fingers in the glass. This definitely quieted the audience, since they realized that she was now at the climax of her performance. She took her fingers and gently tweaked her nipples with the water. Slapping them a couple of times, they were soon very erect.
"Among the many talents I have, and there are an abundance to choose from, one is nipple fucking. But...I digress. Besides the areola, the nipple is one of the most sensual parts to play with. Playing with the nipples and the clit, are the one two punch that will bring to your lady, endless orgasms.
She then began the final demonstration. She took her right index finger and started to slowly work on her clit. At the same time, she flicked at her nipples for a few seconds, before switching to a gentle pinch between the fingers. As the orgasm began to build, she changed from a gentle nipple pinching, to feather circling the areolas. Building up steam, she added vocals into the mix, as she began to moan quite loudly.
Initially, the audience was silent, but as she progressively moved towards the ultimate curtain call, they became more vocal, until it seemed like they became one with her. With every breath she took and every sound that came out of her mouth, they too began building to the finish.
Crossing an invisible line, she picked up the pace and concentrated at the task at hand. She
stopped working the nipples and areolas and instead grabbed the back of the couch, while at the same time, shifting gears with her clit.
Squirming as she reached that first plateau, she kept pouring on the pressure as she got to the second, then stuck a finger in to bring herself to that orgasm.
At the summit, she sat straight up and yelled, "Oh my fucking God, good Lord Jesus Christ, you have helped me achieve nirvana! Take me home, for I am yours!" before collapsing and rolling off the couch to the stage.
"Last night at The Cat's Meow nightclub, adult movie actress Shelly Ann McPhee aka Audio Dynamyte, passed away during a performance of her one woman show God Has Truly Blessed Me. Right after she said, 'Take me home, for I am yours!', she suffered a fatal brain aneurysm. She was thirty-one and leaves behind her husband/manager Brady and her son Jamey."
(c) 2009 by GBMJr. All Rights Reserved
Tonight was no exception, as The Cat's Meow was filled to capacity. A crowd of fresh faced collegians, tired businessmen and blue collar workers, were chomping at the bits waiting for her to preach.
At precisely nine o'clock, the lights dimmed and the stage went completely black. A small spotlight comes on and slowly illuminates the center stage, gradually revealing a solitary figure.
A solitary figure that was dressed in very tight blue jeans, sneakers, and a form fitting light blue tee-shirt that bare contained her natural assets. Next to her on a stool was a c.d. player, which after a push of a button, flavors the atmosphere with a smooth jazz instrumental.
Stepping back into the darkness, she soon reappears wearing a wireless headset. She then unties her pony tail and rearranges her cherry red hair so it falls over both sides of her body.
Clearing her throat, she then lowers the volume on the c.d. player before beginning her 'lecture'. "Good evening everyone. I can see that I have a packed house tonight. Rest assure gentlemen, you will not be disappointed.
"As you can see, I have been blessed with a fantastic body. Long legs," which she points at, "a round yet firm ass," which she drops her jeans to show, "a sensual mouth," in which she places her index finger in and ever so slowly pulls it out, "and a great set of tits," in which she briefly tweaked the nipples for emphasis.
"I realized that some time ago that since I was blessed by God with such a fantastic body, that I should share it with the rest of the world. One way I've been able to do that, is to make adult movies. As you can see from the posters behind me," and the stage lights came up, focusing on a baker's dozen of adult movie posters, "I was very successful in using my body to raise awareness for God.
"Another way for me to spread the word of God, was to give live performances. How to go about doing it was the hard part. There were many, many ways for me to do it, but in the end, I settled on the way you're about to see tonight. So without further ado, the Cat's Meow is proud to present to you for your viewing pleasure, Audio Dynamyte."
She stopped her audio and stepped over to the c.d. player. Quickly changing c.d.'s, she restarted the player and stepped back to center stage. As the sound of seventies soul drifted out of the player, she started swaying sensuously to the beat. After about a minute, she undid the top button to her jeans and rolled the waistband down an inch.
"Gentlemen, as you can plainly see, I have no tan lines where it counts. And I don't think I have to explain to you how I tan, now do I?" She then turned around and showed just a brief hint of ass, before facing the audience again.
"And you can see that although my ass is very firm, it is very supple. It has been caressed by some of the hottest hunks and foxiest babes in the industry today. They can all tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God did bless me with the finest piece of booty this side of the Mississippi."
She then took her jeans and dropped them until they were under the cheek, yet still kept the front in the same position. "Woo, that's cold," she said after a blast of cool air from a backstage fan touched her backside.
"Gentlemen, this particular piece of booty, is the best that you'll ever see in your lifetime. When God created my booty, he broke the mold afterwards." She then turned her supple ass towards the audience and began to lightly run a finger over it.
"I'm going to do a demonstration and show to you just how massaging an excellent piece of ass is one of the many components...to...a...woman's...happiness." She stuttered the last four words as a small, but very intense, hot flash hit her.
"Wow, I do believe I'm getting a bit overheated," she said while fanning herself for a few seconds. A light murmuring from the audience brought a smile to her face, which helped refocus her energies again.
"Well...this is the time in our program where I do a very brief show and tell. I show you a small positive sign that the gentle massaging/feathering is doing it's job and tell you about it." At this point, she unzipped her jeans and opened the waistband.
A stronger murmur from the audience told her that she was back on track. "Gentlemen, the glistening pussy that you see in front of you, is the absolute best that God created. It has satisfied many a cock and many a pussy in its illustrious career, and more importantly, has been satisfied by many a cock, many a pussy and lips of both genders in its illustrious career.
"At this point, in order to keep that pussy glistening," and she paused to roll her tee-shirt up to the bottom of her tits, "you have to move your foreplay from playing with that soft delicate ass of your lady, to your lady's silky smooth stomach, abdomen, and of course, her scrumptious pussy."
She stopped what she was doing with her ass, and pulled up her jeans. She then disappeared into the darkness. The first thing the audience noticed was that the music changed back to soft jazz. The second thing they noticed, was a doctor's couch was being wheeled to the center stage. And finally, the last thing they noticed was that a pitcher of water was placed next to the couch.
She got herself situated on the couch, and readjusted her clothing to what it was before she left. Nodding her head, the spotlight tightened up. "Gentlemen, as you can see, it's important to bring your foreplay to the next level. Feather touching your ladies stomach and abdomen will go a long way to helping your lady build to what should be a mind blowing orgasm.
"Also, don't forget to work on that essential piece of property she owns. A little TLC, like I'm about to give you an example of, will help you achieve your ultimate goal." She proceeded to take her jeans completely off, leaving her sneakers and above the knee socks on.
"Brrr, I'm feeling a little cold up here right now. I think I better start warming up." she said suggestively. Using two fingers on her right, she playfully teased a few strands of hair, while spreading the remainder with her left.
"As you can see, with just the tiniest bit of movement, you can quickly bring your lady to that next plateau of...of...fore...play." The last few words were stuttered as the mini-orgasm that she had only started on about thirty seconds ago, nailed her good.
She sat straight up for a few seconds as a large wave of pleasure rook hold of her body, before slamming her back to the couch. Gripping the top of the couch, she white knuckled her grip as a series of small, but very intense, orgasms racked her body.
The orgasmic convulsions soon subsided and she released her grip. Exhaling, she waited for the audience to collectively finish what she'd started them off on only a few minutes ago.
While waiting for that collective "Ahhhh.....yes", she rolled up her tee-shirt the rest of the way and began to feather touch the bottom of her right tit. Almost instantly, she arched her back and began to moan softly. The audience finished catching up and soon became spellbound watching the performance.
From the darkness, someone whistled just loud enough to break her concentration. With a supreme effort, she stopped what she was doing and folded her hands in prayer. After about a minute or so, she regained enough composure to speak without losing it.
"Well....we now move on to the third part of the body that us women use as a weapon, the tits. Now it just so happens that God, in addition to blessing me with a tight ass and a even tighter pussy, has truly blessed me with a perfect set of 42D's for tits.
"To properly incorporate the tits with what you're doing at the moment, they have to be handled sensibly. Which means, to get the maximum amount of usage, the nipples simply have to be erect. The nipples are the most sensitive part of the tit, and as such, they need delicate care. Normally, the mouth would do the trick in getting them erect. The suction power that the mouth..." She paused for a moment as a sweet memory flashed across the face.
The club owner, who was watching from backstage, came out and poured a glass of water for her before delivering a loud wolf whistle. She cleared her throat again, and continued, "Yes, well...since we don't have a mouth..." Before she could go any further, she was interrupted by a wave of men volunteering their services. She smiled and waved her hands to calm the crowd down.
"My isn't this an excitable crowd tonight," she said cheerfully. Taking the glass of water, she took a couple of sips before sticking her fingers in the glass. This definitely quieted the audience, since they realized that she was now at the climax of her performance. She took her fingers and gently tweaked her nipples with the water. Slapping them a couple of times, they were soon very erect.
"Among the many talents I have, and there are an abundance to choose from, one is nipple fucking. But...I digress. Besides the areola, the nipple is one of the most sensual parts to play with. Playing with the nipples and the clit, are the one two punch that will bring to your lady, endless orgasms.
She then began the final demonstration. She took her right index finger and started to slowly work on her clit. At the same time, she flicked at her nipples for a few seconds, before switching to a gentle pinch between the fingers. As the orgasm began to build, she changed from a gentle nipple pinching, to feather circling the areolas. Building up steam, she added vocals into the mix, as she began to moan quite loudly.
Initially, the audience was silent, but as she progressively moved towards the ultimate curtain call, they became more vocal, until it seemed like they became one with her. With every breath she took and every sound that came out of her mouth, they too began building to the finish.
Crossing an invisible line, she picked up the pace and concentrated at the task at hand. She
stopped working the nipples and areolas and instead grabbed the back of the couch, while at the same time, shifting gears with her clit.
Squirming as she reached that first plateau, she kept pouring on the pressure as she got to the second, then stuck a finger in to bring herself to that orgasm.
At the summit, she sat straight up and yelled, "Oh my fucking God, good Lord Jesus Christ, you have helped me achieve nirvana! Take me home, for I am yours!" before collapsing and rolling off the couch to the stage.
"Last night at The Cat's Meow nightclub, adult movie actress Shelly Ann McPhee aka Audio Dynamyte, passed away during a performance of her one woman show God Has Truly Blessed Me. Right after she said, 'Take me home, for I am yours!', she suffered a fatal brain aneurysm. She was thirty-one and leaves behind her husband/manager Brady and her son Jamey."
(c) 2009 by GBMJr. All Rights Reserved
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Stopped
It was two o'clock in the morning and two solitary stop signs, situated on opposite corners of a seldom used side street, are shooting the breeze.
"So this kid comes up with a spray can and sprays this ugly looking tag all over my face."
"What color was it?"
"Blue I think. At least it smelled like blue. Got it all up my nose and in my ears."
"That bites."
"Yeah. And you know what the worst part was?"
"No, what?"
A car full of teenagers were approaching at a high rate of speed when the driver suddenly realized that a stop sign was coming up fast. Burying the brakes, he jumped the curb and came to a rest on top of the stop sign. The drive got out, took a look at the stop sign, took a look around, then got back in the car and split the scene.
"Hank! Hank! Are you alright Hank?" asked Ted, who saw the whole thing and only was slightly concerned about his friend's well being.
"Ohhhh," groaned Hank. "That idiot pushed me over about five inches. My back is killing me."
"Besides that, you're okay?"
"Well..."Hank started to say, but Ted cut him off. Ted really didn't want to sound callous, but he was quite tired of listening to Hank blathering about himself.
"So long as you aren't permanently damaged, you'll survive. You know, this reminds me of the time when a truck jumped the curb and flattened me into the ground. He..."
"Who cares about that?" yelled Hank. "I'm really hurt here. He pushed me over ten inches."
"You said five a few minutes ago."
"I...I miscalculated." stammered Hank, who didn't like having his word questioned.
"Right."
Just then, another car came flying down the side of the road and clipped Hank. He got twisted one hundred eighty degrees and was pushed over sideways.
"Youch!!! I think my back is broken! Ted, they broke my back and I think I'm coming out of the ground!"
Ted didn't answer him. Instead, he said, "So anyways, this truck jumped the curb and landed square..."
"I don't care about that! I'm hurt over here!!"
"Don't be such a pansy," said Ted, who was getting mighty tired of Hank's lip. "A crew will be around later today to fix you up. If I was you, I would worry if someone completely took me out of the ground."
"What?! Take me out of the ground?" Hank was petrified about the thought of being replaced. Especially since that's how he arrived at the corner in the first place.
"Yeah, now wouldn't that be a tragedy of epic proportions." said Ted in a tone that sounded a bit too happy for Hank's comfort zone.
Before Hank could respond, a pickup truck full of yuppie jocks screeched to a halt in front of him. One of them got out and said, "Hey Brandon. I think this one would be perfect for the game room. What do you think?"
Brandon looked out the window and said, "Sure thing Cliff."
Cliff tied one end of a rope around Hank and tied the other end to a trailer hitch, before climbing back into the truck. Brandon dropped a couple of gears and burned rubber.
"Ted! Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screamed Hank as the truck pulled him out of the ground and bounced him down the road.
Ted watched Hank bounce and clang down the road. Grinning, he joyfully replied, "Good luck Ted! You'll make a great wall ornament!"
One week later, Ted met a similar fate when the town decided to put in a traffic light. He was unceremoniously yanked out of the ground, put up for sale on E-bay, and now unhappily spends his days hanging next to Hank in Brandon's game room, listening to Hank bloviate and his nights wishing he was recycled.
Original (c) 2009 by G.B. Miller with all rights reserved
"So this kid comes up with a spray can and sprays this ugly looking tag all over my face."
"What color was it?"
"Blue I think. At least it smelled like blue. Got it all up my nose and in my ears."
"That bites."
"Yeah. And you know what the worst part was?"
"No, what?"
A car full of teenagers were approaching at a high rate of speed when the driver suddenly realized that a stop sign was coming up fast. Burying the brakes, he jumped the curb and came to a rest on top of the stop sign. The drive got out, took a look at the stop sign, took a look around, then got back in the car and split the scene.
"Hank! Hank! Are you alright Hank?" asked Ted, who saw the whole thing and only was slightly concerned about his friend's well being.
"Ohhhh," groaned Hank. "That idiot pushed me over about five inches. My back is killing me."
"Besides that, you're okay?"
"Well..."Hank started to say, but Ted cut him off. Ted really didn't want to sound callous, but he was quite tired of listening to Hank blathering about himself.
"So long as you aren't permanently damaged, you'll survive. You know, this reminds me of the time when a truck jumped the curb and flattened me into the ground. He..."
"Who cares about that?" yelled Hank. "I'm really hurt here. He pushed me over ten inches."
"You said five a few minutes ago."
"I...I miscalculated." stammered Hank, who didn't like having his word questioned.
"Right."
Just then, another car came flying down the side of the road and clipped Hank. He got twisted one hundred eighty degrees and was pushed over sideways.
"Youch!!! I think my back is broken! Ted, they broke my back and I think I'm coming out of the ground!"
Ted didn't answer him. Instead, he said, "So anyways, this truck jumped the curb and landed square..."
"I don't care about that! I'm hurt over here!!"
"Don't be such a pansy," said Ted, who was getting mighty tired of Hank's lip. "A crew will be around later today to fix you up. If I was you, I would worry if someone completely took me out of the ground."
"What?! Take me out of the ground?" Hank was petrified about the thought of being replaced. Especially since that's how he arrived at the corner in the first place.
"Yeah, now wouldn't that be a tragedy of epic proportions." said Ted in a tone that sounded a bit too happy for Hank's comfort zone.
Before Hank could respond, a pickup truck full of yuppie jocks screeched to a halt in front of him. One of them got out and said, "Hey Brandon. I think this one would be perfect for the game room. What do you think?"
Brandon looked out the window and said, "Sure thing Cliff."
Cliff tied one end of a rope around Hank and tied the other end to a trailer hitch, before climbing back into the truck. Brandon dropped a couple of gears and burned rubber.
"Ted! Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" screamed Hank as the truck pulled him out of the ground and bounced him down the road.
Ted watched Hank bounce and clang down the road. Grinning, he joyfully replied, "Good luck Ted! You'll make a great wall ornament!"
One week later, Ted met a similar fate when the town decided to put in a traffic light. He was unceremoniously yanked out of the ground, put up for sale on E-bay, and now unhappily spends his days hanging next to Hank in Brandon's game room, listening to Hank bloviate and his nights wishing he was recycled.
Original (c) 2009 by G.B. Miller with all rights reserved
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