Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Query Letters

Please click here to return to part one of this post

Version #1

Hook:

The game of public sex is hard enough to play when you got the family loan shark looking for a piece of your action, but when your internal twin wants a piece of the action as well, it can make you question your own sanity.

Synopsis:

Flat broke without a job, Jeannie was terrified of becoming like one of her uncle's deadbeat customers. Even though she was able to get a five day extension from her uncle, thanks to her ability to turn a word on its ear, she still faced the same problem: no money.

Sill, somebody up there must've had a soft spot for her, because no sooner then she closed her phone, a young man began chatting her up. Before she knew it, Jeannie was holding a card that was her potential salvation from a world of hurt.

After a brief but highly insulting conversation with Aissa, Jeannie was determined to try her hand as an adult performer. Not just because she needed the money, but more to the point of needing to prove her symbiont wrong and to prove to herself that she could play the game of public sex and still have her morals intact.

Line 21 is not just a story about a young woman's dilemma in reconciling her values to her new career, but it's a story about living with a free spirit that's crying out for adventure.


Version #2

Hook:

The game of public sex is hard enough when you got the family loan shark bothering you for a piece of your action, but when your symbiont wants a piece as well, it can make you question your sanity.

Synopsis:

Flat broke with no job, Jeannie was terrified of becoming one of her uncle's deadbeat customers. Even though she got a five day extension to get current, courtesy of her verbal gymnastics, she was still stuck in the same dead end with the same problem: no money.

Still, God must've had an ulterior motive, because no sooner then she closed her phone, a young man sat down next to her and began chatting her up. A few minutes later, Jeannie was holding a card that could just be her potential salvation from a world of hurt.

After a brief, yet highly insulting conversation with Aissa, Jeannie was determined to test her mettle as an adult performer. Not because she needed the money, but more to the point of needing to prove her symbiont wrong as well as proving to herself that she could play the game of public sex and still have her morals intact.

Line 21 is not just a story about a young woman's dilemma in reconciling her values to a new career, but it's a story about living with a free spirit that's crying out for adventure.

12 comments:

  1. I like the "hook" in version one the best. I don't really have a preference for one synopsis over another.

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  2. Ryan: Thanks.

    Charles: Thanks.

    General comment: In writing both parts, I give the hook the slight edge over the mini-synopsis for degree of difficulty in writing.

    As it is, I thought using the word "symbiont" over "internal twin" would clarify things, but is there a small segment of agents who perhaps don't understand the word "symbiont"?

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  3. I'm with Charles, G - I like no. 1's hook better.

    And I liked the synopsis of No. 2 more.

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  4. Talon: That really is strange (and I mean that in a good way). Except for a couple of word changes, both hooks are essentially the same.

    I personally like the 2nd synopsis as it sounds more informative than the first one. Plus it seems to flow smoother than the first.

    Gotta love how I murder grammar in my comments, eh?

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  5. You do strange in a good way very well!

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  6. R: I've never heard that said about me before. Thanks.

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  7. Letter 2 mentions God- Is God mentioned in the book? If no, I'd go with 1. Liked the read better.

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  8. I also prefer hook one G.

    I prefer synopsis 2 though. But I will still cut out some superfluous words, particulary in paras 3 & 4. Do we need to know she put down the phone, he sat down next to her and chatted to her up for example? I don't think so - I would cut it and get straight to the point. Just a matter of opinion though:)

    Good Luck G. You've worked hard to get this point, you deserve success:)

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  9. Snaggle: God isn't mentioned in the book at all, but I needed something in a way of a short bridge to what the meat of the book is about.

    Jane: Thanks.

    Interestng point. The reality of that particular sentence is that it condenses down about two pages of text. I needed something wickedly short to get to the heart of the story.

    I think that sentences sums up the following action quite well:

    Jeannie hung up the phone and returned to scanning the help wanted ads in the newspaper. A few minutes later she heard someone whistling a lively tune. Intrigued, she looked up to see a rather doughy looking young man seating next to her....

    And then it kicks into about two pages of dialogue.

    I like #2 as well, simply because it flows smoother.

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  10. I vote for #1. I'd have no idea what a symbiont was if it hadn't been spelled out for me.

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  11. S.R.: I'm thinking that could be a problem too. Most people are at least 15 years removed from Star Trek Deep Space 9 so it's quite possible that they have no idea on what a "symbiont" is.

    I do know there is such a thing called a "symbiotic relationship" but that has to do more with a sibling/twin kind of thing than anything else.

    Still, I do thank you for your input.

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Originality. Is. Good. Be original. Be thoughtful. But most importantly, make me think.