Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I Got An Itch To Scratch

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"Hey babe?" she asks coyly.
"Hmmm?" says you.
"I got an itch that needs scratching."
"Sure thing," says you.

You reach over and absentmindedly scratch her back, all the while keeping your eyes glue to the plasma screen. When you've finish, you say, "All better?"
"Yes," she says icily.

My friends, here's another relationship that is potentially on the skids 'cause the guy is more interested in watching the game then paying attention to what his lover is saying. Let's see if we can show him the way to proper salvation, shall we?

"Wh..who's there?"
"Your conscience, dumbass."
"My conscience?"
"Yeah. And your conscience is mighty pissed off with you."
"What for?"
"What for he says. Man, do you know that your love left you an opening a mile wide and you managed to fuck it up?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the fact that your woman wanted to do some personal exploration of her body and wanted you to help with that exploration."
"Excuse me?"
"No excuse for you bucko, so shut up and let me explain something to you."

The plasma t.v screen goes dark for a second, then the video comes to life as a couple appears on the screen, which is immediately followed by the audio.

Listen up bucko and pay attention to the screen while I'm talking to you. When your woman comes up to you and starts talking in a sexy sultry voice, the first thing that you should do is pay attention to what she's saying. When she says "I got an itch that needs scratching", the first word out your mouth should be, "Where?" and your first movement after she answers should be towards the exact spot she mentions. Once you're there, then you can ad-lib. Comprende?

For example, if your woman says, "Between the legs," you should go between the legs. Once there, you can ask whereabouts, then you can take it from there. If external, then you work on it external, either through the clothes or inside the clothes. And don't you dare ask how, because at this point you should be using those five magic little fingers of yours. If she says its internal, then the only question you should be asking is "Groin or facial?"

On the other hand, if your woman says, "On the chest," then you should ask "Outside or inside?", which should be immediately followed by "Fingers, groin or facial?"

However, if she should say, "Ass", then you could have a problem. Because after asking the question, "Outside or inside" the second question that you need to ask is not "Fingers, groin or facial", but "Spanking, fingers or groin." Yes, some people are into the kinkiness that is called 'spanking', the larger or thinner the object the better. Examples would be: a paddle (table tennis), a ruler, a whip or a hand. 'Fingers' is pretty obvious and sometimes more is better (again, this is a kinkiness issue too), and 'groin' is even more obvious. If you choose the last two options, please, please, please make sure that you use some kind of lubrication. While your woman may be into that kind of kinky fun, chances are she is not into that particular type of pain. Get it?

Finally, if your woman says, "Throat" then my friend you have hit the jackpot. Chances are that while she may do her best impersonation of a good porn star, it is imperative that you help make it a memorable experience, especially when she can't quite take it all in. Keep in mind that positioning and hip speed is key when you're helping your lover successfully scratch her throat itch.

No matter what kind of itch you're helping her scratch, it's imperative that you remember this one key component: always ask if you can finish the job your way. While she may want you to always finish what you started, it's important to ask if how she wants you to finish. Some women don't mind if you finish it your way because they feel that the job isn't completed unless she personally experiences the end result. And some woman would rather you finish it their way, because they feel that seeing it is for more satisfying that feeling it.

The plasma screen clicks off and your conscience reappears. "Comment?"
"I think I better go apologize to my girl and ask for second chance."
"That's the spirit."

This PSA has been brought you by the Greek God Eros, who wants to remind you that while manual maneuvers can be satisfying in a pinch, the satisfaction will be incredible if you have someone else doing the pinching.


  1. R: C-list celebrities and people who think it's easy as anything to play the game of public sex.

    For a guy who thinks he can keep it out for a long time, the true test is if he can keep it up not only while they're busy trying to film a scene, but if he can get it up on cue.

  2. Isn't that what fluffers are for?

  3. Travis: Okay, I think you lost me on that one.

  4. Fluff? You mean the prosthetic prop department? There's always viagra!

    Another interesting PSA- I hope more folks have a better idea of how to scratch itches now!

  5. Snaggle: I'm not sure what he meant by "fluff" as I'm still trying to figure that one out.

    I hope that people have a better idea on how to scratch those itches as well, especially in private. :D


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